...Ponderings...

I’m a normal person, not famous, not anything particularly special. When I saw Mark Lee of Third Day post something like this on his blog I said “I really want to do that” but my mind was “Who is going to care? I’m not anyone famous”. I’m just an ordinary person. Then on Sunday, my pastor opened up and was brutally honest with us. He made some admissions from the pulpit that I wouldn’t make to my closest friends. It struck a chord with me. Are we all so fake? Do we think other people don’t struggle with the same things we do? Maybe we sort of put pastors on a spiritual pedestal just because they’re pastors. It really shouldn’t be shocking to anyone to find out they struggle just like we do.

In fact, I feel like a lot of times we don’t believe that other regular people have the same struggles we do or that everyone just “doesn’t understand”. And believe me, I get caught up in that mindset a lot. So I’m writing this not because I think I’m anything special, because I’m not, but because I’m human and I want you to know.. I understand.

1. I wear a lot of masks.

I tend to put on different ones in different situations. I hide things a lot and very well. If something hurts me, I laugh and brush it off. Please don’t take this to mean I’m not real, I am. But if something hurts or bothers me, I don’t tell people and I act like it doesn’t bother me. Putting on a happy face is what I do. I’m extremely sensitive and when something hurts or stings, I go one of two ways: defensiveness (mask one) or laughter (mask two). I don’t mean to be defensive but it happens, I’m working on it.

2. I’m uncomfortable with my weight.

I’m overweight. I hate that. That being said, I’m not obsessed with it but it does bother me. I want to be slim like other girls are. I don’t want people to stare at me or ridicule me because I’m overweight. That being said, I’m working on this. It’s not a huge struggle for me (and green smoothies are a gift from heaven), but it can be an uphill battle.

3. I have an inferiority complex.

I hate being wrong. I hate that I’m not as funny as my sister. I was raised by an awesome mother but there were other people (who shall remain nameless) that made me feel like less of a person than other people. It was ingrained in my mind early on that I wasn’t as pretty, funny, smart as other people. It never stopped and I imagine it never will stop, being this way. In junior high, a boy I had a crush on told me “you can’t have me, you’re not good enough for me” in front of a large group of people who then proceeded to laugh. An ex I had treated me the same but without using those exact words, it was his actions. I want to be as smart, funny, cute, talented, and liked as other people are. Maybe I am but I’m blind to it because I can only see myself and think “you’re just not as good as other people are”. Generally, this tends to manifest itself as defensiveness. It’s just a mask I put on so those walls don’t fall down. I have to keep my guard up.

4. I hate writing.

This is a strange admission, I know, but bear with me.. Anyone who’s known me for any length of time knows I’m a writer. I’ve been writing stories, songs, poems, articles for as long as I can remember. I wrote an entire novel in 2008 in less than 30 days. It’s been three years since I wrote that novel and it’s never ever been finished. Why? Because I hate writing. I love the finished product, I love to read back over it and say “I wrote that!” but I hate the process of writing. Hours of staring, thinking, typing, deleting, typing again. It’s a terrible process. I get anxious and want to quit. So I quit. That’s why nothing ever gets finished and my novel may never see the light of day again. In fact, while writing this blog, I’ve found every reason not to finish it. Not because I don’t want people to see it (or I wouldn’t have begun it) but because I just don’t like the process of writing.

5. I don’t love people.

For someone wanting to be a missionary, that’s a hard admission. I am sure I could love the cuddly babies or take the message to people in Mexico but I can’t stand the people in my own back yard. I hate shopping for this very reason. People. People are rude, they cut you off, interrupt, walk into you without even an “excuse me’. I have a hard time with that. I talk to people all day long for my job and most of the time, I’m sitting there with a fake voice rolling my eyes or sighing with the mute button on. God’s been working on this with me for a while but I’m still not there yet.

6. I live at home.

I’m ashamed of this. My mom and dad let me stay here. I should leave, I’m 27 for goodness sake. I just don’t know how. I keep making excuses “I’ll leave next year” or “Well, I pay my bills” but it doesn’t seem to shred any of the shame off when someone asks me “so you live at home?”. At this point, I really am staying here to save for Bible college but it doesn’t really make me feel better to admit that. I still live at home. People still have no respect for 27 year olds who live at home, work full time, and have no kids. Truth is, I don’t know how to be alone. I love my family, I enjoy their company, I would miss them if I was in my own place and would be over here as often as I could be.

7. I’m an incurable daydreamer.

I don’t focus on the Word nearly as often as I should. If I’m not reading a book, I’m usually daydreaming. I have lots of little fantasies. Sometimes I imagine out plots to stories, sometimes I imagine out things I wish would happen, sometimes I imagine disasters. I hate that I do it but when I’m bored or just need to escape, that’s how I get away.

8. I’m a recovering “road rager”.

I used to be horrible. Every curse word in the book would come out of my mouth. If someone cut me off, I would tail them and scream and honk. I’ve gotten much better. The Calvary Chapel sticker on the back of the car does help. But I’ve no excuses, there should be a spiritual sticker on my car to remind me to “drive with purpose” as my pastor said on Sunday (who admitted he, too, struggles with road rage).

I’m going to keep a spiritual bumper sticker on my car and on my life to remind me that I am the light of the world, whether I’m driving or not. My actions (and reactions) will determine what people who see me think about Christ. My struggles may help someone else who may or may not know Christ. If they don’t think I’m better than them because I’m a Christian, if they know I can relate, it will help my testimony in this world.

God bless you.