...Ponderings...

Too many nights I've cried myself to sleep since my grandmother passed away. And they have been bitter tears, sprinkled with self pity and painful memories. Too many times I have cried because of the bad times, the last moments I saw her, arriving at the hospital too late to say goodbye, and seeing the breathing device over her face, blood splattered around her on the hospital bed.

But there's 24 years of wonderful memories I have with her. 24 years of laughter and jokes and more love than many people will ever know in their entire lives.

There's New Year's Eve 2007, when it was just me and her. We sat and watched the ball drop together and I was the first one to give her a kiss and hug and say Happy New Year. Then on my 24th birthday, just 10 days before she passed. It was the last time I saw her before she went into the hospital with chest pain and vomiting. My brother and I were teasing her for her accent, she was always a good sport about it. I remember going to Las Vegas with her and my mom. We had SO much fun and it was worth it to see her face glowing after she got a kiss from Wayne Newton.

She was our whole world. Had it not been for her I wouldn't even have the computer I'm writing this on or even my little car. She forked over the money for the car and signed up for a new credit card so I could have this computer. She was the most giving and loving person anyone could ever know. It is tragic what her own children did to her, not speaking to her for three years until, literally, the day before she died! But she knew she was loved more deeply by me and my family than she could ever possibly imagine.

She was in the hospital room, bragging about me being her firstborn granddaughter. She was so proud and so happy that I was there that even the nurse was crying. I don't know many, if anyone, has a relationship and a bond like that with their grandparent.

So when those moments come when I think I can't go on, I just close my eyes and breath in deep and remember all the good times. I remember how, when leaving the hospital to water her plants, she instructed me, as she always did, to "drive with care". Only my grandmother, literally on her death bed, would be more concerned about me than herself. Or I'll think of the way she used to giggle when I said something funny, or tried to speak in Spanish.

Tomorrow when I wake up, the sun will still rise, the world will still turn, and my nana will still be gone. But I know she's in the arms of Jesus.


Dedicated to Maria D. Partida.
4/8/27 - 7/14/08